…”the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt went on to finish that line, however, to greater, meaningful extent- “nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”
With this, I permissively summarize such powerful statements to suggest, Own the fear so victory shall rest on your side.
As a child, anxiety knew me before I knew it had a name.
I understood fear for the first time through hearing my father’s voice.
My husband and I have talked about our very first and earliest recollection.
His was having to leave a housing project. Mine, I believe I mentioned in one of my books, long ago, was Papa yelling. His voice alarmed me to recognition.
Papa was upset. He was upset with Mama who I could see had sat up for a moment from bed to look at me. In our Filipino dialect, I understood Papa’s words in memory.
To translate, he questioned while carrying me, “When was the last time you changed her clothes?”
Though I remember feeling calm in the arms of my father, I feared for his own anger. I sensed such emotion as a threat to any peace.
I saw myself in memory as if I was atop a corner of the room, observing the entire recollection.
I saw Papa place me on a dresser while carefully taking out a new, white shirt. Papa smiled. He must have noticed I had seen the shirt inside out. He looked at me while pulling down the shirt over my head after removing the one I had on, “Magic.” He then, carefully picked me back up.
That was my earliest recollection.
Both my husband and I don’t know why, of all memories that we could have pinpointed as the one to first recall, we, in similarity, recollect an unpleasant one.
Reflectively, I believe fear awakened me into my reality. Papa’s disappointedly angry voice brought me to such awareness.
I know now that Mama had not been well, having lost a child after me. There has never been any bitterness towards Mama whom I’ve always respectfully loved and honored, even when she would go into darkness. And, yet, such an unwanted choice for myself, I realize now, this has been my first learned fear to take hold of and own.
Fear of that darkness.
I do not suggest to own the fear as if it is yours to possess; contrarily, I call upon all to own fear so that it is yours to control, not allowing any part of fear to control you.
I believe we are each our own, greatest fight. No one knows what enters our thoughts to full capacity because I think even our own selves are not in favor of all that have entered in.
My paternal grandfather chose to be homeless- just walked out one day to leave behind his one son and five daughters to his wife to look after.
In a moment of choice, when given, we choose.
Fight. Flight. Freeze.
I can’t recall which in the two memoirs I’ve published, perhaps overlapping my own story with Mama’s, the inspiration to that first moment I sat down and really began to know me- to conquer me, by first delving into the one who brought me out, when I mentioned Mama telling me that her own Papa had built them a home right before World War II, only to hear news that it had been burnt down before they even had the chance to move into it three years later when the word finally trickled through the mountains and jungles of where all hid that the war had finally ended.
My grandfather had been left behind to take care of all the women and children in the family during hiding while other men went to join U.S. military men to fight against attacks from opposition.
I wonder the fear of the men who had to go and fight.
I wonder the fear of my grandfather who stayed behind to protect.
All had to have conquered so many ongoing and incoming fears.
Fight. Flight. Freeze.
Sometimes, there can only be one choice and no other.
When given choice to run from or fight against fear, there are those of us who choose to do nothing. We simply freeze, allowing fear to do whatsoever to us.
Some of us, like a child, have no choice. We can only freeze in time at times- the heart, the mind, the body, nor the spirit, yet ready or able to fight or flight.
There comes a point in life where we (must) ultimately choose. And, like one of my favorite books, We Do Things Differently, by Stevenson, a most powerfully thought-provoking line went something like- If you ever want to know how one survives, ask someone who has no other choice.
Fear. Own it. Don’t let it own you, Anne Salve.
This, I say to myself at every breaking moment I feel fear trying to enter my heart, my mind, my body, or my spirit.
Funny how now, I watch fear watch me. That child in Papa’s arms, me atop a corner of a room, just observing.
I see fear watching. It waits for me to welcome being afraid.
It waits. It watches.
One of the books I recently mentioned I had read, A House In the Sky, Amanda Lindhout recalls in her memoir where she observed the body that was hers separated from her body that observed.
How interesting to understand.
Fear enters through the open doors of darkness.
Dark thoughts become beliefs that turn to actions.
Whatever your actions is to follow, was it not the one you fed?
Fight, flight, or freeze- fear is familiar with and within each.
Fearing itself, fear is always knocking to get in, seeking refuge within your existence.
Darkness, its doors.
When darkness creeps, should you not be ready for the fear that desperately kicks in at times through the corridors?
Should you not take heed of fear’s every attempt to control, to thus, own you?
Upon moment of encounter, who will own whom?
What do you say to fear when it has found itself in?
What do you do?
You look fear in the face; glare into its eyes. Don’t be angry with its intent to scare you, to try and make you cower. See fear as the one most fearful. See fear knowing that it is a servant to its purpose, afraid of the unbearable punishment- to lose existence if it does not succeed.
Thus, fear must complete its task- to take you down and allow the fear to ooze out onto others, like bodies hung at Golgotha to symbolize fear for all those who can see far and wide.
And, yet, remind your self, fear fears most.
Understand its dire predicament. It will cease to exist upon no one longer being afraid. Let it know, however, you are not at fault for its challenges nor will you take part of its found role.
Quietly remind the fear of its choice: it can leave you be and just watch you be (freeze); it can leave you now (flight); or, it can fight you to its defeat for you know its weakness-itself.
Like that shadow that never leaves you upon the light, that fear has been carried, frozen upon its borders, just hoping to find its way in, for it must to survive- a sense of being mandatorily ordered to persist as its water and sustenance can only be earned within each mission to destroy or take down.
Be sad for it. Let it know it is understood. Put your hand on its shoulder and with your needed strength, pray for it.
Fear fears most.
Fear needs your protection.
Fear needs your shield.
Fear is under you, not above you.
Fear is in your control.
As soon as you feel to tire, get up.
As soon as you feel to weaken, restrengthen.
As soon as you see darkness ahead, shine light.
Fear trembles. It is cold.
It is not that fear is heartless; it is that fear is without ever knowing a heart.
How can it ever?
Fear has no room in love. Love has no room for fear.
Love is fearless. Both don’t coincide.
Own that fear and let it be chained from outside your corridors.
It watches you. It sees you.
It just doesn’t own you.
