From bully to victim, there can stand several roles that play into moments. Remarkably made, we are multifaceted. In the roles we choose, however, we must ask ourselves, “Am I good here?” The term “good” used as an adjective, noun, or adverb could lead to some deep self-reflection.
Many times we are fortunate to have chosen our roles. At times we have taken upon roles we didn’t at first see in us to do, but find ourself doing. There are times we have taken roles where our bodies have acted upon not realizing that our heart and spirit had somehow, what I’m going to call, prefunctly, moved our body toward. Mind? Absent.
Prefunctly in this case, while again, because I do this when I can’t find an existing word to define what it is I am trying to convey, means here:
adverb; an act of the body due to a drive from the heart and spirit in absence or weakness of the mind
prefunctory- adjective; actions done under sheer impulse with hardly any or no thought
Hence, we prefunctly act out our inner desires without actually and immediately understanding why we do what we do.
To act prefunctly is much more sophisticated than just being impulsive; the force driven by the heart and spirit. You see yourself doing or saying something as you are saying or doing the very act. Essentially, pre-functioning.
When we say, “I didn’t mean to do that”, that’s highly plausible. Why? Because I have prefunctly had similar instances in my life where I did something out of pure act with the least amount of thinking.
Does this excuse one’s behavior? Absolutely not. Does this mean we didn’t know what we were doing? Well, at some point, whether we didn’t at first, thankfully, we arrive at a moment of sense to decide whether to continue or discontinue.
I literally stood up on my bed to peek into the light fixture while the fan blades were running. It only took one swipe of a blade (and for my husband standing close by to project, “Watch out!”) for me to come to my senses that I should turn off the fan first before proceeding to look inside.
Why? My heart and spirit wanted to look into the light fixture to once again be that curious scientist- a part of me seems to always want to play. Focused on the mission, the duo ignored the fan blades that were oscillating just inches above. In the absence of the mind, the body took the impulsive consequence.
I can go on about my many prefunctory actions. I digress to stay on point.
With gratitude for grace, our bodies regrettably get pushed to the frontlines.
Senseless? Well, I suppose, scientifically, yes. Evidently, my mind wasn’t functioning. Does this stop us? Usually when our heart, mind, and spirit come together to dislike an outcome. Why do I say usually? While I will hope to take note of an oscillating fan blade above my head herein, I realistically must admit that there will be actions in the near future to convince me I am more “absent-minded” in my actions and words than I care to have diagnosed. (Yes. You can say “brainless”, but scientifically, that would be incorrect. Still, I understand and concur with the approach.)
The joyful hope is, the more senseless things said or done, the less of those senseless moments to recur.
Who is to blame if we should continue to behave in senseless ways I can only hope all take note of the reflection.
With school to take into action once again just around the corner end of summer, I will return to the enjoyment of quietly observing all the many students who will cross my way, adding on to the countless who have already crossed my path.
Announcements will be made. Rules and expectations will be reiterated. Discussions will begin to open up the gateway of reflective conversations.
Regardless what subject matter you cover or teach, a connection to real-life lessons will somehow craft its way in to any open discourse. Whether initiated by some prompt or a student gets the urgency to bring up something into discussion, senses will be ignited to hear, see, smell, taste, or feel what someone else will bring to the table to waft, taste, or devour for thought.
Bullying. Whatever the reason or perspective we each hold about this topic, trust me when I say having the conversation laid out for all to discuss gives our children the relief and support they need knowing we not only administer the discussion, but acknowledge the very existence.
Talking about bullying doesn’t obliterate the mere existence, but the elephant in the room surely gets discussed just in case one was thinking to take on the role.
To address the topic allows conveyance of prefunctory admissions of the self at best. Reflectively we ask ourselves, “Was there ever a time when I took on that role?” From the bully to the victim, as we delve into understanding these positions, there stand also roles in between, need be noted, which contribute to any consequence of a situation.
Whether we find ourself dominant under one of the roles, dare we admit that we have experienced, perhaps prefunctly, selectively, or by sheer chance, all in some way.
Dare I explain.
The Victim. This is the oppressed, suppressed, pressed out of luck person who has been targeted for the simple reason at times as just the person who looked easy to pick on without a chance of fighting back.
Let us not be mistaken with those fallen to victimhood due to their own desirable mentality to become one for acknowledgement. A true victim has done no intentional act to become victimized nor did they want to be. True victims simply were singled out. True victims, while having steered clear of pity, genuinely find themself in an inescapable predicament. The target is on them until they are hit.
A student who runs to me for help, panting in fear, triggers differently from one screaming out loud, laughingly yelling while smiling, suggesting to need help as they run from another.
Whether at home, at school, at work, or just simply happening to stand at what would be then referred to as the “wrong time and place”, we have fallen as victims to hurtful words or actions due to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional games initiated by others.
I say games because when you become the target, like in the game of tag, you are it. The only way to absolve yourself of being “it” is to tag another person. However, true victims never ask to participate. Utterly, this just makes you a more wanted target by those or one who is determined to bring you into the game.
Somehow, while minding your own business, keeping distance of other people’s way, you were singled out and marked. You now have become the center of attention of a group or crowd wanting a reaction from you, with always one to have initiated the attack. This leads me to the next role.
The Bully. This is the one who takes advantage of another because they have a strong inkling they can and will most likely get away with doing so. When they’ve placed a mark on a target, they plant their actions with the intent to hurt, harm, scare, and destroy in whatever level they can.
This is the one, while innocuous in a real game, but quite contrary in real-life situations, starts off as being “it” in tag. At the sight of it, all immediately run to steer away. IT is simply looking around to see which of whom around us can be caught.
The thought process here is to intimidate and siphon some form of power from others while simultaneously instilling fear. Internally, they plentifully are instilled with such starving character.
Does not all run from the “it” so as not to be the next one?
The subconscious message is, no one wants to be it. So, once you are, you look to pass “it” to someone else.
I hate peer pressure. Strong word. I dislike peer pressure. I have such discontent for peer pressure that I fight any coming my way regardless of the dislike or pushback I may receive.
Stubborn-headedness has had its powerful rewards. If I am found to be “it” in a game of tag, I’ll play the role for some time given my understanding I chose to play, but taunt me, down me, try and provoke me to anger or irritation, I do the unthinkable- I say the most unwanted, “I don’t want to play anymore.” I walk away.
Yes. I’m that one who spoils all the fun for the rest. This leads me to the next role.
The Upstander. Upon this role, there are clear risks taken when doing something about any uncomfortable situation. This role cannot and will not stand for injustice, rudeness, or any attacks deemed unfair.
In being an upstander, the mindset clearly is that while it might be safer to do nothing, to live with oneself having taken no action is far worse of an option. In fact, there is no other option but to stand up against wrongfulness.
Let us not mistaken this for one who plays hero because they want to be all of a sudden part of the game. Let us be mindful that an upstander stands up for the oppressed, compelled to be the needed strength for the voiceless or vulnerable. They risk themselves for the compassion to protect another. This would be the one in a game of tag to make sure all were being fairly treated, even suggesting to be it when others are too afraid.
An upstander looks to end victimization, not start it. At an altruistic moment, an upstander prefunctly sees themself at risk of being hurt or also victimized for the sheer decision of making a stand against a wrongful attack. Bullies have a distaste for an upstander because they get in the way of “the game” they want to keep going.
In a game of tag, being “it” is all fun and games until others taunt you for being, well, it. This is why the bully likes being the bully until bullied. Yes? So, the upstander simply says, “Nope. No more. This ends now.”
By the second time I played tag and was it again, it dawned to me that passing on something I disliked for myself was nothing I enjoyed to partake in. Twice was enough. I never played tag thereafter.
A victim being their own upstander can and do exist.
There are certain ramifications to mostly follow, but when finding control of a situation, all can be put to an end. When not, the risk and fear of escalating toils with the mind. Hence, come the next role.
The Bystander. It doesn’t matter how you feel on the inside. You could have every desire to do something about injustice or imbalance you see. The key to this role is you simply do not partake in any way or form to change an outcome of what you witness.
You watch or look away. No matter your action, the only one you most definitely will not be seen doing is to get involved.
This role either does not help due to feeling helpless themselves or cannot and will not due to their own accepted principles.
Perhaps not the most congenial response, when asked during my high school cheer tryout what I would do if anyone were to have conflict with one another on the team, I recall quickly responding, “Nothing.” When further asked, “Why?” I continued with indifference to conclude in most likely lesser words, “It’s not my business. It’s not my problem.”
This last school year, when a student of mine responded quite the same with a similar question in a classroom discussion, I thought to myself, “I actually understand.”
Hard to admit or accept, think in a game of tag. How many help “it” to be it?
When IT, bystanders all around, who I see simply could have been tagged instead of me, just keep running along with the rest, a sure relief on each face that no one has dared bothered or caught up to tag them. That look of relief on their face that they aren’t, well, you. And so, I arrive at the one last role I want to say gets surprisingly missed at times.
The Antagonizer. Otherwise can be seen as the instigator, this is the one that stands next to you to make sure trouble not only arises, but comprises of anything and everything to get to trouble and irrepressible destruction, if allowed. The antagonizer will only credit themself to having helped, not admitting to fault when you find yourself in trouble.
This role at times gets missed or is mistaken as the bystander or sadly, given credit and merit as the upstander. While a bystander may do absolutely nothing, as some may witness this antagonizer to be doing next to you, this one has made a point to not just get a hold of a gasoline can, they will do the pouring as well as go out of their way to guarantee a lighter is within reach to start the fire.
When the inferno is going, they point fingers at all others.
This role is depleted when ignored or the problem at hand is resolved with no further conflict. Thus, its desire is to keep whatever situation that could lead to their contribution or to their self regard, heroism, going.
The greater the inferno created, the more victorious this role feels. There’s this confused state of validation in them- thinking to have helped someone or the situation whereas in retrospect, their advice, suggestions, or at times, fabrications or exaggerations created the ultimate reason for escalation.
Interestingly enough, bystanders have been called the gasoline because they do not take on the role as the upstander to stop unwanted behavior. The upstander may be seen as the antagonizer by the actual antagonizer because the real upstander care to only stop or deescalate the matter while the latter needs the event to continue for their role to be existentially needed.
Are we careful to not confuse the potential Zero as the upstanding Hero?
The antagonizer tells you what is necessary to get the fire going. You may feel empowered by their very false support, suggesting you show how strong or significant you are by standing up for yourself. What could have been resolved with communication, love, and understanding is now beyond reproach.
The antagonizer feels victorious. They have created an unnecessary war to which only they felt necessary. All there is to do now is remain as the false upstander until only one other part takes place.
Someone or all other roles wisen up and end the game.
I have witnessed for years marriages or relationships torn apart because of those who were there for a person when troubles arose. I have witnessed family by blood give destructive advice as I sat and listened as a child, sadly fretful of what would come next if what advice was given were to be taken.
In moments where a wall could be rebuilt and restrengthened, demolishment is the plan. Instead of suggesting something to help ease the heart, mind, and spirit, opposition comes tumbling to create trouble for destruction.
Instead of positive empowerment of unity, such remarks to suggest they don’t need the other person is given. Instead of peace talk, voices promoting war blast off.
At school I’ve had 1:1 talks with students who have wittingly attempted to start divisions by pure fabrication.
I have had meetings and talks with other parents to simply come to the conclusion that what my own children allegedly said were heresy from a third party.
I have long since become aware of antagonizers and had a distaste for my actions if I caught myself minutely taking part as one for I have seen what such role when allowed can do.
When around antagonizers, desensitization of any problematic intentions occur. Why? Somehow you think their whispers to tag that person or go after that person is coming from a helpful source.
At some point, when will “it” think to just tag that person closest to them?
How many of us have mistaken trouble for help? There is this convincing that what you are fed was meant to satiate you with the proper nutrients to move you in the right direction. Then, how are you still starving?
I stood there and watched my fifth grade best friend’s fist punch its way right to one of my eye socket because of what someone else had said that I had hoped my silence would have provided as truth. Until this day, while I ended up being driven to a clinic, followed by wearing an eye patch and staying home for some time to heal, I never regretted not fighting back.
I knew my truth.
Friends don’t hit friends. (Although I will say, if you need such, “She threw an incredibly perfect punch!”)
As I have said to myself whenever I run into situations with my children and students, “I was trained for this”, I hold no exaggeration.
Still, I am growing; still, under training.
I hope to never forget the blades above me when looking into something. And, if so, I will have to admit to the unspoken words of my husband beyond those he uttered, “Are you okay?”
Perhaps we know what he was really thinking. Perhaps it was my own mind that woke up to scold me with expletives. Irregardless, thankfully, my mind woke-up.
The victim? -the top of my poor head.
The bully? -my body and its prefunctory actions.
The bystander? -the darn blades! And, apparently, my mind!
The upstander? -my husband first; my conscience to follow next.
The antagonizer? -to laughingly credit given the curiosity (again) did not kill this cat (again), my heart and spirit.
With gratitude for grace, our bodies regrettably get pushed to the frontlines.
Armored with the helmet of salvation, does this suggest our minds sleep in absence of our actions?
That’s prefunctory!
