When is it okay for a woman to pay for a dinner date? Should this even be a question or are ladies out there in the dating world sending mixed messages where the answer is not so simple? Similarly, are the men out there in the same predicament, just as confused, or are they farther ahead than women would like to believe?
I picked up a good conversation that led me to ask myself many questions regarding unspoken rules of dating. When a female counterpart in the dating phase of her life asked, When should a lady start to suggest to pay for her own dinner? she laughed at the answer of a male counterpart when he quickly said, “Never.”
A chivalrous man will naturally expect to pay for everything on a date. I recall an interview I watched and listened to many years ago with comedian, inspirational motivator, and host of Family Feud, Steve Harvey. He had mentioned how he had asked his future wife, back then, for coffee after a show. He had just enough to buy her coffee in his pocket. Whether he realized it or not, I thought such stories to share were important for any young men listening. After all, denoting from the dictionary, chivalry suggests a man having “courtly manners” and “nobility”. The nobility part is what I hope young men grip onto whenever they have to fight against being chivalrous- paying for a lady is just noble. Now, whether one acts like a lady or not is another topic to discuss on another day. However, if you are already out to dinner with the female kind, the homework should be on the man to know what type of lady he is taking out to dine with. Just to even this out, ladies, if you go out with men for a free dinner, should there be dignity to question there? I had to slip that one in.
Back to the conversation I was having, from what I gathered, however, when a woman suggests that she pay for her share, this sheds light of what level of expectations she upholds in a man. At least this is what I gathered from a man’s perspective. From this male counterpart, I furthermore gathered that men who are well rehearsed in the dating scene will base the next move depending on how a woman presents herself. This allows the man to observe her character in the process. Interesting. I wonder if any woman ever actually thought of this unspoken “assessment”. If I seemingly sound ignorant or quite leading to the suggestion that I have been “hiding under a rock”, this perhaps rings truth. I was married young, never really having to repeatedly go through the dating scene. My husband has been good at pointing this out to me. In that case, I suppose I am fortunate to never have had to run into such a decision- to pay for my presence. As a woman raised under somewhat broken, and yet, founded traditions as how a young lady should be viewed, I am drawn to question- Were we not a gift to start with?
To answer my own question with yet more questions to follow, have we long created a varying price for our existence or are we being paid for our mere company? And if thus, priced, does this negate the mere implication that each female counterpart is to be treated under the seen value of the beholder? If we, ladies, should see ourselves valuable, priceless rather, how does this suggest we view ourselves on the stance of someone paying for our meal versus paying for our own? If we expect a man to pay, does that entail dependency of one’s worth?
Such questions I feel are why I am so glad to not be dating in these times. What ever happened to just parents telling their sons, “You pay for the lady- that’s that?” Are young daughters seeing the world differently now, however? How are the young boys seeing this now? Are men out there lacking understanding of how to be cordial or could it be that depending on the woman, men have learned to exhibit themselves differently? Have men adapted to the differing and mixed messages of women? Is there a right or wrong way on both sides of the male and female spectrum? Is courting a woman of the past or are women of the present simply revamping dating expectations? Do characteristics of a strong, independent woman suggest all is 50/50 and are such women insisting or indirectly giving the message that this is how a relationship should be so, all the way to and beyond years of marriage even? Do we set our heart on having a knight in shining armor, and yet, fear of becoming a damsel in distress? Is it possible to be gracefully strong and assertive without killing the chivalry in men? After all, can women really kill chivalry or are men just finding an easy way to put us to blame?
I’m not sure how this can be addressed in today’s Zeitgeist of Tinder, Bumble, and all. Maybe being courted is tabu.
Gone are the days when the cereal aisle consisted of only a few selections. Nowadays, I spend more time reading contents and reading reviews before making that final purchase. Is it me or has freeing our mind and will caused more confusion to what seemed so Cheerios or Frosted Flakes back then? What are we creating of our young men and ladies of the generations to follow? More importantly, are we teaching them any form of dating mannerisms? Most importantly to question, WHAT are we teaching them? After all, time and time has perhaps proven that the young do as we do, not what we tell them. In other words, talk is cheap. Well, then, what have we to see as priceless in our roles? If we are killing chivalry, should we have any say if and when the next generation completely kills the very thoughts of having courtly manners and nobility? Are those qualities even important in the dating world anymore? If not, why not?
The seed doesn’t plant, water, and grow itself.
