The darkness, that is.
Having realized I needed to get another size, I recently returned a purchase for an exchange. Not thinking of it any further, I went ahead to do just that only to realize this business warehouse did not do direct exchange. Rather, I would have to return the item and purchase the other one in a smaller size I realized I should have gotten instead. No big deal. I had already planned on getting other items in addition that day.
Not much of a deep processor of people’s mutterings in trivial moments such as those, always just focusing on the “thank you” and “yes, please”, I hadn’t paid much attention to what the cashier had stated before walking away once the return was complete. I did, however, notice her look before walking away. You get quite familiar between looks of wrong intentions from the right ones as years go by.
At another recent time, instead of walking away from a wrong look, I was greeted by one. Not because I was looking for it, but this time, the lady that gave me such was someone whom I had known. As soon as we locked eyes, this woman did not hesitate to quickly suggest something be done with certain kids misbehaving. These kids needed to be dealt with as it wasn’t “right” for kids to be misbehaving in such a way. I smiled and said, “You are right. You should go and tell the owner about this because if kids are breaking the rules, parents should be made aware.” My calm and agreeable response made this woman look at me with utter confusion and most likely, dissatisfaction.
She wanted me to react with worry, take in her words as if I should hold myself accountable for any wrongdoing. That was her clear intent. What I sensed, however, was her need to just be heard, to be given acknowledgment to. Surely, if certain kids whom I held some say to their parents as to how they should behave were indeed not behaving accordingly, they should absolutely be reported. However, I already knew that if this had been the case, this woman would have already done so.
What was this woman really trying to tell me? Just let me be in your eyes and ears for the moment. Just let me feel important-significant. By acknowledging her very concerns, I did just that. Was she genuinely caring to fix anything or help anyone? No. Not really.
We are born to look around and judge. We are intuitive, instinctively knowing that there are full of wrong around us. Why? Because our own direct or indirect wrongs make other wrongs so familiar. How else do we know wrong if we have only done or seen right in our lives? If darkness can very much build up inside of us to a point where we are consumed by more of it than light, filling ourselves with more darkness provides us such familiarity. We will assume all others are filled with the same. We don’t necessarily patrol others. Darkness just sees, well… close your eyes.
It is why when one returns with light, such overflow or even one bullet of it is blinding or purely murderous to darkness. Darkness wants more darkness, not light. The more light overflowing into darkness, the less of darkness is able to exist.
While the world is filled with beautiful people, it is within each person’s spirit sometimes where a darkness lurks and oozes out from the life it has entered.
It wasn’t until I had already walked away and gotten a cart to proceed into the main warehouse entry where I processed what the cashier’s mean-streak had been all about. I had to process it because she had that look of surprise that I recalled my junior high peers would give me when they would call me a “nerd” and thinking this to be a great compliment, I would always quickly respond with a “thank you”. It was that look of dissatisfaction I came to understand that had me dangling onto what that cashier had actually muttered that perhaps I should have laid close attention to, but didn’t.
As I walked away, I realized she was quite frankly telling me that since I did not have a receipt, the amount she was giving me would be the current price, the sale price it had just recently been marked down to. Again, my obsequious desire to be cordial got in the way of me hearing anything she actually said at the moment she spoke the words as I gleefully responded, “Oh, awesome! Thank you!” I’m honestly not sure who became more confused- she at my perhaps unanticipated reaction or me, wondering why she had snarled with a piercing look as I walked away to proceed into the warehouse.
I crack myself up sometimes. I am ever so grateful to have carried such an innocence in my heart that even to this day, it’s great to know that although you didn’t hear the words, the response given was exactly the correct one, in my opinion. My ears were closed so my untampered spirit answered.
Years have taught me that there are just those who will look at you sideways from across the room or way. Whether you remind them of someone who hurt them or they view you as a threat to their space, they have already made up their mind of one or both things: they don’t like you and or trust you.
This, after arriving as a young, immigrant child, having attended six elementary schools, two junior high schools, and to finally find stability and shelter in one high school, by the time I attended college, I knew how to be thankful for all kind of spirits around me even before marriage and having children. Yes. I intentionally stated “spirits”, not people. I was always so focused on going “somewhere” that I would even apologize to those who stepped on my toes- literally. One time, to a lady with stilettos on!
When one is feeling some kind of way, at most times, that some kind of way bucket gets full to the brim. As it overflows, those around get the spillage of whatever percolated and steamed out of that bucket.
This is how I see the exchange of our togetherness in this world- we all feel some kind of way at times. I see it as my focus to build my own resilience, strength, and joy for those moments when someone needs to unload their overflow onto you. Sometimes, we get lucky. One’s overflow is filled with laughter and great warmth. However, we must also prepare for when one’s spillage onto us is rather curt and cold. My own “spillage” haven’t always been pleasant. I’m on that human side with the rest.
Find it strange to analogize such exchanges, but if you are overflowing with great joy and kindness while one is clearly spilling over, sometimes, left and right, bitterness and foul intentions, however little of goodness you just poured into their bucket will do more than what they have either intentionally or unintentionally poured into yours. It’s a matter of tone and tint.
Take black, a tone, and white, a tint within the fundamentals of design. Spill a drop of black onto white and hardly any change. Spill a drop of white onto black and see a more drastic change. This is why our darkness illuminates countless stars in the sky while just a smudge of “light pollution” can instantly diminish that darkness. Darkness is simply the absence of light. At the rising of light, darkness slowly becomes non-existent.
You know that saying, “Kill ‘em with kindness”? I believe this wasn’t referring to the flesh of a person. I believe this is directing to one’s darkness of the spirit.
In case of a black out, always have that flashlight ready. This way, when things get dark and bleak, not just for you, but those clearly screaming that they are in darkness even without words, that push of a button could be the very possession you hold which has the “power” to make darkness run to its corner, hide or scramble out of a room.
The next time someone gives you that look, attempting to counter your joy and kindness, push your own button. Shine on. Let your light be the one to overflow. Why take it the other way around?
Kill ‘em with kindness. Be the light to darkness.
