Not Who, But What
My husband and I are nearing being married to one another for almost three decades. I could tell you, thinking others who can truly think to ponder on this that, I have been married to other things as well, perhaps not realizing it at each moment. This sounds funny , I’m sure. The following is a self-reflection of truth, however, that when digging deep, there are those of you out there who can really attest to the same. Being married to your spouse, on paper, is 24-7, 365 days per year. And yet, devotion of your time could most likely report a different story. If you are wondering why you have found yourself single, still single, or married, but feeling somewhat a void, here are some things to consider in asking the question, What are you married to?
Your spouse.
This one is easy. You should be married to your spouse. This entails that you dedicate your time around building your relationship to become stronger and better at each opportunity you are given. Your devotion is making certain that not only is your marriage still going, but that it is still working for the both of you. All else follows after the foundation you are trying to build or solidify with your spouse.
Your job.
Ever think to go home, but rather, you decide to stay just a little longer at your work to finish one more task? Was there ever a time where you actually suggested or spoke the words that your work is important to you and everyone in the office or those working with you are counting on you? Think. You just suggested that your job is your center. As long as others understand and accept it, you knowing that everything else is being sacrificed or missed, work is your need, not the other way around.
Your children.
Your schedule is filled with all of your child’s or children’s events. There is no time or hardly any to do anything else, not even dedicate some quality time alone with your spouse. In fact, you make a point to identify that both you and your partner need to focus on the children. In choosing between spending time with your partner versus with your children, there is no second thought to it. You automatically find yourself in the company of your children, whether your spouse cares to join. Your child or children’s needs is your first and foremost priority.
Your parents or siblings.
Blood is thicker than water kicks in your head each time you think to do otherwise. Instead of tending to your spouse or children, there is this guilt imbedded in you that your parents or siblings need you. You put them in front of anyone else, pridefully suggesting to all that “family” comes first. Rather than your husband and your children being considered your immediate family, the circle is extended beyond them, priding yourself over family importance.
Your friends.
Instead of going to the park or binging on the couch with your children or spouse, you snarl at the thought, but find great excitement at the thought to go out to lunch or dinner with your friends instead. The plans you and your friends make for one another is more inviting than what you could ever be doing with your children and spouse. You feel that you give what you need of yourself at home and being with your friends is your much needed outlet. Without your friends, you wouldn’t know how you could deal with everything else.
Your lifestyle.
All is well as long as you get to continue your way of living the way you’ve been accustomed to. If your kids and spouse are naturally scheduled into your lifestyle, then the focus is to continue living the way you do. Any change to your lifestyle would cause a disruption of your peace and happiness. As long as everyone is being tended to, you must devote your time and energy to your schedule. Your schedule, your lifestyle defines your way of life. It takes work to keep it going. You must tend to the lifestyle at all times. It makes you.
Yourself.
You got married because that’s what you were supposed to do. You had kids because that’s what you were supposed to do. However, you never planned on being that wife or mother to tend to the needs of your loved ones every moment of your lifetime. After all, if you’re not happy, then how can you be happy around anyone else? Doing you is best. Anything else would force you into doing something that would not make you happy. You gained the label of being a wife and mother. Whoever said you had to actually play the part? You’ve always been about keeping you happy. If there is no time focused on you, you are not happy with everyone else. Happy you leads to peace for all. Hence, you first and the rest are lucky to follow.
Being married is interesting because we can be guilty to think that not always are you just married to your spouse. Clearly, either by sub-conscious desires or willing thoughts put to action, we end up marrying ourselves to so much more than just one. Sadly, as I’ve witnessed marriages falling apart, such unwarranted events are also what serves as a reminder to me that while I may dabble to love those around me, my foundation starts, journeys, and ends with my partner, my husband. Those who love you will commit to helping you keep that as an understanding. Any manipulation you fall into in your mind is your free choice, nothing else. After all, you bring people into your circle to strengthen your marriage, not weaken or divide it.
Marriage has phases. While it is understood that time away from one another gives room to breathe and grow, accustoming one another to do all things other than be together sets up for distance, not closeness. If without all else went away, what would there be with your spouse? Did you leave any room for that marriage?
