- Trust your husband.
What I found out soon enough was that in a partnership, there is so much truth in the saying, “silence speaks louder than words”. My husband and I married young and one of the strength we’ve always had in our marriage is how childishly communicative we have remained. Everything that came to mind, we never hesitated to share out, several of which both our male and female counterparts have remarked either privately or openly to both of us that we share too many things with one another. Thankfully, we’ve always thought communication, no matter how brutal, was what made us true friends from the onset of our relationship. Hence, when moments did arise in our relationship where there was silence between us, it was always the part where we naturally would lose our minds-silence between us was unfounded! Thus, silence never lasted long in our relationship; one of us would easily break with the other to follow. It was this one time in our relationship then that I had felt an eerie silence from my husband. His demeanor was clearly different, always entangled with his own thoughts. Believe it or not, though he would tell me that all was well, and yet hinting to me in several cases that perhaps things weren’t, it was sometime later where I came to discover the reason for his silence. Instead of understanding, my first reaction was to simply feel offended that he never told me. His calm response to my offense was, “Better for one to worry than the two of us.” He went on to explain that if there was nothing I could do to help, then why involve me? This was that moment I realized my husband was much more mature than I had become. It was at that moment in our marriage that I realized how I must have let him down several times arguing with him, trying to break his silence, instead of just trusting in his strength and leadership for our family. I believe I became a much better wife after that lesson- trust your husband, even in his silence.
- Go with the current.
I am a fighter, a rebel, a stand-your-ground spirit. I would rather tire myself fighting than back down to find peace. And then, I grew up. I think it was just a few years ago when I actually did come to the proud moment of seeing myself grow up from my childishness. If I am to analogize in the way that my husband uses a boat to explain destiny and vision, rather than rowing in the same direction as my husband, the partner relying on me to be by his side at all times, I was the one at times who questioned our direction. If it were just me and my husband, I could perhaps take my oar and row along with hardly any concern as to which direction we were going. However, just as soon as our destiny or vision mainly affected our children, I became constantly on guard just as soon as I could see my children begin to grow weary. I know now I should have been the one to say, “Trust your dad. All will be fine.” However, I, perhaps wanting my children to see that I was fighting for them, was the one to object to any further steps we were taking forward. When you love your children, you start to forget that partnership piece with your husband; at least I did. And yet, I am the first to say now that had I just gone with the current, regardless if we would have fallen into some dismay or disappointments, I should at least have been thoughtful enough to think that the greatest heaviness would fall on my husband-not me. Going with the current would have gotten us to destinations faster, wrong or right travels. No matter what, we would be together each step of the way.
- Respect him.
This one is hard to accept in that the saying, “You reap what you sow” comes easily to mind. My husband had always shown me uttermost respect from Day 1. However, and unfortunately, I mistook being humble of my blessings as a form of putdowns and sarcasm instead. I will be the grown person to not blame it on my cultural background or upbringing. Disrespect toward my husband amongst family and friends became part of my drawn up entertain as he would just smile it off. Until, of course, I came to realize I had subliminally given permission for him to do the same. While my husband has truly become my greatest friend, he, at times, also became my greatest emotional adversary. I quickly learned that my joking around led to many times, me disrespecting my husband. And as time in our relationship continued, I had become a great teacher of something I should have never taught. Silently, I allowed my husband to continue to be who I had taught him to become. Just listening in, knowing that deep inside, as I had thought many times earlier on in our relationship, that he meant no harm. Those years were quiet and simultaneously quite aggravating for me. I had to be the model of what I wanted him to become again. So, I just kept reaping. Years of turning back time to moving forward in the direction I should have taken in the first place has blessedly come to a loving arrival of mutual respect once more.
- Honor him.
Honoring my husband goes along with showing him respect. Honor is a bit different from just respecting him in that I should have made sure to have high regard for him as well. To honor him, I had to arrive at seeing him under the light I should have known he was capable of being under even in the earlier years where his goodness was just starting up. I should have seen him for what he was going to become to help him support and thus, move him in that direction. My sarcasm would kick in again and instead of having that sparkle in my eyes whenever my husband did something remarkable, I instead, know and recall that I would give him that look as if his wonderful strives were doable by anyone. As he continued to be an example of what to be instead of what not to be, I allowed myself to become more insatiable as if I was saying, “That’s it?” While he continues to make marks moving forward, I sometimes wonder when I look at him if at times he did look tired and worn out- had I been the cause of the drainage? While I am truly grateful for the milestones we have overcome and are now able to take in the outcomes of such sacrifice, how much farther would my husband have gotten had I honored him at all times rather than the seldom times I did?
- One doesn’t mean the same.
I believe I had this one down a bit better than the others. Given that I was a rebel helped. I wasn’t and will never be that conforming type. This truly has helped me allow my husband to grow to become who he is meant to be without losing myself in the long run. Sure, having children causes you to take a new turn of your identity. No longer can you just get up and go to the store without having to contemplate on whether it’s worth an extra twenty minutes to get everyone in the car just to make that trip. I mention this because my husband and I, along with being communicative, have always enjoyed going everywhere together. It’s one of our childish ways hard for us to let go. Even a trip to the grocery store would suggest us going together. However, just because we enjoy being together and coincidentally wear complementing colors, this, by far, does not suggest that our minds think the same, leading us to do the same things in agreement at all times. This is hardly the case. While I am grateful that we share the same interests, I need to be careful not to hold it against him when he truly just wants to express who he wants to be. My discomfort, for instance in public, when he wants to challenge kids in some hip-hop dance or whatever it may be should not stop him just because it is not what I would ever do. I need to remember that he looks at me wanting to be the better him- not the better me.
- Date him.
Life begins to take a toll on us and what used to be that perfect place to come home to, welcomed with open arms and great smiles can easily be tampered with when children, work, and finances start to take over. When life is happening, I forget to take time to look in the mirror or simply brush my hair before stepping out to greet my husband for the day. I have to remember that while the responsibilities we face are endlessly around us, this doesn’t mean that I should look like I have been worn out from them- looking like I no longer have desire for love and laughter. As tired as I get, a simple touch up of lipstick never made me feel worse. Even better, I can always see my husband take a moment longer to look at me when I have put in an extra effort to care for myself. Seeing that sparkle in his eyes, hearing him tell me I look great or simply just feeling his embrace without a word spoken tells me that the spark is still going. Yes. There are times when both of us are too tired to date one another- no candle lights, no nice table set-ups or a step out to eat somewhere fancy. That’s okay. We all have those times. That’s the friendship part. Ironically, as friends, I have to take the time to remember that he chose me amongst all other potential friends. I am that special one, the one he can date, fifty times over and again.
There is so much to keeping a marriage going to make it to the “forever, babe” chapter. I am no expert in knowing what that last chapter will be and should look like. I do know that I don’t want to just make it there having lost the partnership I’ve so happily seen my husband and I build within the years we have worked at it, one moment at a time. Here’s to making marriage better, not bitter.
