If an angel had come down to speak to me first that God had given me a choice: to have no children or… if I were to have children I would have to keep in mind that they will give you the most inexplicable joy and yet I will discover and endure the most unwanted pain from the time of their birth; I would have the greatest laughter ever for my soul and spirit to know, but would also have tears that could flood a river even at odd hours of the night filled with so much hurt, worry, and at times, lost confusion; I would have pictures of smiles to capture and at times those pictures where you didn’t that subliminally spoke of my inability to turn all your frowns upside-down; I would hear words of praise to uplift the spirit and yet, cutting words to make your heart bleed, wrenched to its every drop; I would see sparkles in their eyes but only to be replaced with sullen looks that could easily turn light to darkness; I would feel alive in their presence, but risk death over and over again. Which life would I choose?
There is a reason why one is not asked this prior to becoming a mother. And yet, having gone through it all, five children later, I would say today:
I brought you out into this world. You brought me into yours. That world where nothing else mattered, but your joy, your becoming-what I felt that you needed to be. I gave you what I never had- at least I tried. Sometimes I didn’t give enough, sometimes I evidently gave too much because in the abundance you forgot to be thankful. How was I to truly know what was just right? I didn’t anticipate on being perfect in giving you all that you needed because I also, at times, wanted to shower you with what I wanted for you- to get that smile or happy laugh from you- no matter how short. I saw the smile. I heard the laugh. Sometimes I got to capture it in a picture. Priceless ones, I got to capture those, most precious ones in my heart where you even managed to tell me how happy you were or how much you loved me. I didn’t always get it right in your world, but I did my best under the world I was coming from.
I saw fear through your eyes. I realized they were just mine. Every pain, difficulty, heartache I ever went through I unfortunately carried with me and unto you, my precious gem. It was in my fear that you would ever have to endure the same suffering that I created a shield around you, raising you like a soldier ready to fight the world wherein I forgot to take a moment to hold you longer, tell you how much I love you, each step of the way in preparing you to fight and stand strong. I hid my vulnerabilities thinking you needed to always see my strength. Perhaps the wall I was building for you was really for me- to protect me from breaking down in the times I would see you suffering in your pains. I will always be your strength and not your weakness. Remember.
I knew you held the power to hurt me most. I forgave you before you were born. I whispered love and praise into your ears as I looked into your eyes, knowing you held the power to hold me together or tear me apart. I could see in your eyes that you were already changing the very me that had entered motherhood, knowing nothing more than that I was going to love you hard and would have to remain your greatest strength. Thus, knowing that there would be times you would not understand my reasons and would inadvertently go against my plans for you, I had to forgive you in advance. You see, I was raising lightning and thunder. I had to prepare to be struck, too, during any storm.
My apologies as a mother…
I am sorry for loving you more than life itself.
I am sorry for fearing how much the world could hurt you that I pretended and thus, modeled one being heartless as I prepared you.
The greatest joy was having you, however. Every hurt and pain from the moment I brought you into this world goes with being… a mother. The capacity of my love is discovered and learned through its counter struggles, the level and depth of hurt and pain. You were and will always be worth the greatest hurt because you are my greatest victory, each and every one of you who I birthed into this world with the mindset to make it greater and stronger. Greater and strong you are.
