I know there are those who have let go of a child in them. For whatever the reason, you made the choice and whether you told someone else or not, that moment in your life is not one you tweet about or use as a conversation opener at work or affiliations you are in. However, it happened, and silently, the thought crosses your mind from time to time.
I recall a co-worker of mine, Sally. She had been 27 years-old at that time. Tall, reddish-hair, with green eyes. Aside from the secret I kept that she was dyslexic, a challenge she dealt with especially when counting and keeping record of money, she was nonetheless, beautiful. One day, she and I were closing together. She shared with me that she recently found out she was pregnant and that she had announced the news to her boyfriend, the father of her expected child. I was happy for her, but the countenance on her face need not speak of how her boyfriend reacted to the same news.
It had been about just a few weeks before I saw Sally again. I will never forget her face when I innocently asked how she and the baby was doing. Her response was, “Oh. I took care of it.” I felt a sense of confusion quickly overcome me. I was only in high school at that time and quite frankly, many things in life were still new to me. I imagined my ears to have misheard as I stood in front of her in silence, dumbfounded at what I thought she had said. My ears heard correctly as Sally must have gotten a hint from my silent reaction that I needed more from her than what she had just spoken. “It’s done. I had the procedure done.” Without looking at me, she mentioned how her boyfriend wasn’t happy when she told him about the baby and even though he left the choice to her, she felt it was best to just have the procedure done. She never did use the word “abortion”, but I knew what she meant. We didn’t speak of the matter after that. I could see the hurt in her face along with that fighting strength at the same time where one simply is just trying to move on with life.
I do not know what it’s like to have to contemplate such a decision nor do I know what I can only imagine must be terrifying steps to actually complete the procedure. I can only tell you that I know of someone else who had let go of several lives within her, the last at what I was told was seven months of carrying. I try to not think about faults of those who help with such procedures, desensitized from it all, justified in the right to choose, understanding that bones must be broken and parts must be vacuumed to clean out the womb. I am not sure of this as I am no expert, but I tell myself that is as far as I need to hear or assume for my own peace. This is when I use R.B.L.-Relax. Breathe. Let go. I need not judge. I cannot control the choices of others. I must find peace for my own sake.
Sally and others have their justifications for why they decided to not bring a child to life. I, on the other hand, will tell you that it was my Papa who made sure I knew where he stood with me if I were to ever face the same decision.
If my Papa wasn’t outside in the morning, I would just proceed to my normal routine of walking down the hill and several city blocks to the high school I attended. This one morning, however, Papa was already up and waiting by his car, the engine running and ready to go. He motioned for me to get in as he would be taking me to school that day. I look back now and realize that he had had a motive for that car ride to school all along.
It begun as a quiet, peaceful ride, usually me taking glimpses of my Papa while he drove, always wondering what was in his thoughts, waiting to see if he would begin to speak. And that morning, as if he was reading my mind, he spoke the very words that I still carry in my heart today, “Do not ever kill any of my grandchildren.” That was it. All I could say in return was, “Of course, Papa.”
There were so many words unspoken between what Papa spoke and me responding that morning. While the rest of the ride to school was silent, I will tell you that to this day, I can feel myself fill with so much joy by those very words he spoke. Although I never once would think to let go of a child growing in me, when a father makes a statement-a demand as he did, there is this sense of empowerment that is given to your very soul. I had not been carrying a child nor had I been thinking to have one anytime soon, but it was as if Papa was telling me, no matter what, I was to see life pull through in me each time, making sure that my Papa was to see EVERY ONE of his grandchildren.
Papa never got to see our youngest two, but I received his car keys and wallet after his passing. Upon opening his wallet for the first time, tucked in the very first compartment was a picture of our oldest son. I never even knew he had kept it, to add that he had cherished it at all. I wondered how many times he looked at that picture and how much joy it gave him each time. I wonder how much his words he spoke to me in that car ride so many years ago still gives me so much joy today knowing that I never let him down.
I think to this day, had Sally and others heard words of their father speak the words of mine, would they have continued to end the life within them? I wonder.
