I was a happy child from within. Contentment with happiness is a choice.
In rare pictures of me as a child, I held no smile on the outside, seemingly serious even at such an early start of life.
They say a picture says a thousand words. Well, the pictures I recall of me: 1. Mama holding me as a baby at my Baptismal surrounded by Godparents and their families with my family on the steps of a cathedral. 2. Me standing in line formation with my siblings with our earliest home behind us that shared stories of the bakery we once owned. 3. Me holding Papa’s hand with a bag of Chiz Curls in the other. 4. Me sitting on the lap of my auntie, a middle school teacher. 5. My passport picture to America. 6. A studio portrait of me wearing a dress Mama made me before leaving the Philippines.
Looks may have been uncertain for a child who seemingly wondered about the world as far as she can remember but the blessings, even when a child knows no different, were always all around with more to come.
One may look at a face and think it withholds no greatness. On the other hand, what I see in my earliest pictures were foundations of strength to my becoming sowed into me.
There would be countless blessings ahead for that young child.
It is the mindset that trains the soul and spirit to sink or swim.
This, I know, because even by the time I got married, my husband pointed out that I always held the attitude a situation (or a gadget I’d find at the Goodwill) would work.
If a component such as an engine cannot seem to find its way to life, like a surgeon, I am at peace knowing I gave my efforts and my part in trying to help.
Some, only one to accept, are ephemeral within heart, mind, body, and spirit. It is thus, what one puts in to time given that leads one to be remembered or forgotten.
When things don’t work out the way hoped or envisioned, I hold the faith that there is something more, a greater purpose, a bigger plan, that one is not supposed to or should not yet see at the moment.
It is not always that some things can’t be seen; rather, some things just aren’t supposed to be known or seen just yet.
This is absurd, ridiculous, utmost faith.
What is even more absurdly ridiculous is to accept all training occurring now- all through the ups and downs, not knowing truly why.
No matter how painful, no matter how strenuous the push or pull, no matter how heavy to lift one back up, there is a must to keep going forward.
The best is yet to come and hence, why resistance to get there even exists.
When one is called to do something greater or humanly thought, impossible, one must be ready to answer, “Here I am.”
Absurd, ridiculous, utmost faith.
Such is the training of fearlessness of the world from the beginning of time.
The more fears to overcome, the lesser fears to follow. Eventually, when all fears known should be overcome, one arrives to fear less. (Fear nothing or none, never, if we should know to fear disappointing One. )
Yes?
There were definitely moments since a child where I found myself thinking, If such understanding has to be in the midst of my heart, mind, body, and spirit to just believe, it is what I have to focus on to not surrender to any unwanted circumstance waiting to be in my path instead.
I would get to a happy place once again. Just sometimes, not at the moment. Still, to rejoice in each step- before, during, or after battles is a given gift of choice.
My Papa, although I felt he settled for so much less in trade for peace and solace before his time to depart, perhaps can look now and think, “But look at the seed I sowed!”
I never saw him express hate on someone else for having more power or privilege even when a time came that a relative was his boss here, in America, as he took orders as a janitor.
I saw certainty of who he knew he was, what was in him. Instilled in me is still that learned teaching.
What I learned may not be what you think.
What I learned is that one can pretend to be above you and perhaps, even succeed in convincing a few, but deep inside, there is energy that speaks truth and greater purpose.
When you walk into a room, energy of each is sized up through feeling, not always seeing.
Those who work harder or hardest to take you down are those who feel you standing bigger, stronger, and taller. They sense you as a threat. They fear you as the one who upholds victory.
You could be innocently playing melodious music for another momentarily above you only for that very same to throw a spear your way to try and take your life.
When you walk into a room, never having the mindset of a passenger or third-wheeler, navigating the course becomes yours.
This is a force given not taken. You cannot rush your turn. The turn will come in time, at the exact moment meant to be yours.
Just keep playing the harp, fighting bears, lions, and giants until your turn.
To forsake yourself would be to forsake you- your purpose.
How weak, how strong, how uncertain, how confident, how aimless, how clear and certain- all can lead to various levels and destinies. All with a starting point from one’s faith and belief.
There are days, for me, where I feel as if life started thirty minutes too early ahead of me, leaving me stumbling behind to catch up. Most often, however, I feel that I’m thirty minutes or so ahead and the world has yet to be in synchrony with my drive and pace.
Sometimes I walk, feeling the earned right to not slow down but just remember to smell the flowers (and, do a little dance); sometimes, I run to catch up as if I see my father’s hand still here for me to grasp its hold while I rush to carry on my spot.
After some time, we simply have to fight our own fears in preparation for the inevitable day where the room should turn dark with voices around trying to get you while you try to find your way out.
Now, as much as I detest (he is my husband of over thirty years, after all) the corrections and redirects, I thankfully arrive to genuinely thank this one I’ve devoted myself to for his honesty and much needed partnership.
The difference in Papa and my husband’s guardiance is that Papa grew more silent in time as he first directed me and then eventually, watched me from afar, as I kept on a morally straight path.
My husband, on the other hand, relentlessly persists to aide and direct me in my steps.
For my needed balance of dominant presence, if Papa was my yin then, my husband, no doubt, is my yang (yang, yang).
Just over eighteen years with Papa and the rest of my becoming has been placed under my husband’s protection and care.
Under this viewpoint, I am grateful for my husband’s tireless love and strength as he chose quite a stubborn, fearlessly outspoken one to bear.
Calling out my wrongs has only gotten me closer to all the rights I need to grasp. To grow, we all need those around us who do not try to chop us down but rather, trim us so we may grow bigger and stronger.
Although a tamed rebel, there are times, still, where I forget to look for the hand or, somehow, I feel the belief to do a moment on my own.
You’d think to always feel safe and yet, you learn, the more steps ahead, the more opposition to feel.
All of a sudden, although joy can be embraced with blessings all around, the windstorms come and lightning strikes just close enough to suggest opposition eyes the very presence of you, expressing some form of forewarn you should be ready.
Ready for what? How can one truly know? And, still, one must be ready.
How does one prepare to be defensive and offensive at the same time when all the heart, mind, body, and spirit want to do is dance to the melodies of joy?
There is a must to embrace, especially going into golden years, that there lie amongst the room energies in opposition.
There are those in abundance of darkness that only see due to your presence of light. However, they know that light to be yours illuminating, not theirs.
Reflectively, darkness and sadness are devoid of anything to offer other than emptiness- darkness, the absence of light; sadness, the absence of joy.
How does one, however, stop amidst flight or momentum when moving forth?
It should not.
If you’ve read enough of my reflections, you know I refer to any of my journeys and experiences as my training days.
I cannot see to describe them any other way. I feel my training days, while solidifying to a foundation of comprehensive understanding of purpose, I have yet to be over in grasping the full scope of me.
I want to focus on driving smooth and staying on course. Then, there are those, as if knowing that my way is good and well, I am to be proven wrong and lost in any way.
I laugh, not because I do not sense danger. I laugh because when in tune to the training days received, you have already called upon victory so many times.
Even at moments of attack, you hear this whisper within that speaks, “Don’t worry. You’ve already won this.”
There have been many moments where one could only assume a fall would take one down for good.
To see that persevering person not only rise, but move even faster and higher, the silence is quietly entertaining seeing those who have been left stumped.
I laugh, not because I feel as if I have not lost what were deemed, valuables, along the way but, instead, to my embrace, I let go of what no longer valued me.
One must always shun from opportunities for self-pity. In years of learning, there is this understanding that no matter how small or big a part in your life, everyone has taken a part in your becoming- even those who led you to lose sharpness. Those were given times to refine.
So, how can one thrive in a room of those attempting to take you down?
You stay just long enough to produce light for those wanting your aide for a way out.
Negative energy does not produce positive, just opposition.
The remarkable purpose of your presence?
Light.
