Until at what point are you still deemed a good friend?
One afternoon, while taking our many walks, a homeless man had started to approach us to ask for alms. I was slightly surprised that my husband had responded to this person by name. It took a closer look before this man happily exclaimed my husband’s name, reciprocating recognition and thus, mutual acknowledgment.
“How is your brother?” My husband asked.
“Oh, he’s good. I saw him just a couple of days ago.”
“Oh, good to hear. Tell him “hello” for me.”
“Sure will, G,” the man answered as I nodded with a smile and my husband bid farewell.
We have since seen this same man time to time, always with similar greetings, no longer asking for alms. I think now, “Good. His family must have taken him back in again.”
You see, I learned from my husband following our first encounter that this same, kind and soft-spoken man, had actually been rumored to have taken another life. His brother, however, turned himself in instead, serving years in prison so his brother could have freedom.
Life happens. I have learned to remind myself to not judge. I think, however, was it chemical dependence that led this man out to the streets or, having understood the truth of the matter of his brother’s incarceration, family could no longer have such connection with this man, and thus, turned him away?
As a teacher, it is fair to state that I have had some exposure of reflective moments in terms of brotherhood or friendship. To share just one incident, students privately reported on separate occasions to me within a short period that they knew who had taken an item from our classroom store. This is hardly a store, but just few items where students are able to collect rewards tickets from teachers where in classrooms like mine, they are able to bid for items. I had not even been aware that an item had been “taken” up to this point.
In admitting to the allegation, following our one to one private talk outside my classroom, I suggested for this student to think of how to make amends to all fellow classmates who had worked hard to try and win that very item taken over the weekend. This was following this student’s plea for me not to call home. Sadly, Monday arrived and there was no recollection of what we had discussed. The call home that did follow resulted in my suggestion that a letter of apology be written in which I would anonymously read the letter aloud to each class as a means to express sincere regret.
Quite pleased and even stating my joy to the student, I expressed how great it was to receive that handwritten letter without delay by the end of the class period. I discovered upon reading the letter at the end of the day, however, that I perhaps reacted too soon.
If you read my article, Plato’s Apology of Socrates, you would immediately arrive to the conclusion that this letter, meant to be an apology was hardly one at all. Rather, it was a succinctly written paragraph about being framed. Truthfully impressed with this student’s clever audacity, I was only saddened by the part where this letter mentioned a relative of theirs to vouch for their innocence.
The following day, I brought both the alleged and noted relative, both, my students, outside my classroom. I explained my disappointment that while we had already come to admitting the allegation was indeed true, denying such on a letter was thus, an unnecessary and unanticipated step. Furthermore and far-most troubling was to then place someone else of kin to deny with you, creating even greater fault and deeper question of character for this student.
I left it at that- feeling the presence of this student’s kin next to me as I spoke from my heart was enough. (Silence can, at times, serve as the thousand words left unspoken.) I called home once more as a follow-up and whether I’m deemed wrong for my way of resolving the situation, I refused the guardian’s offer to replace the item, made a copy of the letter to send home, and replaced the item myself.
“A man reaps what he sows.” I dared not have someone who is already caring for this child have to do more. If I am in power to carry a weight to not weigh down the love one has for another, one shall do just that.
I share those two stories because just recently I came across some reading that a world-renowned music conductor has lost scheduled venues along with membership roles due to his non-action to denounce the impactful decisions of his long-time friend, a leader already alleged by several as a war criminal.
I must ask, how long, how far, does one’s loyalty for another have to go? To what greatest depth must one plunge to declare true and sincere loyalty? Striking through such question to restate, how far would you allow a dear friend to go? How much would they have to give up? How much would they have to lose for you to prove their loyalty of your invested friendship?
I asked my husband this question and his answer affirms why still, after over three decades of being by this man’s side, I am without doubt of his goodness in character.
“I would tell my friend to denounce me and my actions. I would tell my friend that what others think of me have nothing to do with our friendship. My friend should not have to pay for my choices. Any good friend shouldn’t expect friends to have to get in trouble with them.”
I pray these global conjuncture of events be ephemeral for the sake of humanity, comprising of young to ailing innocent lives. What I have also prayed for is the softening of hearts of leaders who will risk almost everything to gain what they want, even those who stand next to them, ready to show loyalty at greatest cost.
It is one thing to have a friend’s loyalty be put to a test. It is yet a greater component of true character to express one’s own.
