Why it can be the hardest to give.
I recall running up to my cousin, excited to see her having had weeks since the last time she came to our grandmother’s house where my family had been staying at that time. I was ill-prepared and quite frankly disappointed by her response, “I told you I wasn’t going to talk to you last time.”
I honestly remember trying and having failed to think back to the last time we actually had seen each other. I vaguely recalled her saying something of the matter that she wasn’t going to talk to me. However, my deeper thoughts were, regardless of what THAT had been all about, this was a new day. Why spoil it with silence? Rather, why couldn’t we just play like we normally do?
I could sit here and say people are strange and they hold onto grudges too long. And then, here I am, four decades over in this world and I, too, have somehow picked up and drank that very same bile at times. Forgiving or letting go can be a long and slow process. The deeper the cut, the harder to heal. Somehow, to add, it seems that the thicker and older the skin, the deeper and thus, harder, for the cuts to heal.
Forgiveness is easy for the one who just wants to move on. For the other, when the hurt is still fresh and deep, I have humbly come to discover the truth in that saying, “Easier said than done.”
In our talks of giving, the question here is, Why is forgiveness so difficult to give? What makes just letting go and picking up from where we once left off such a struggle and challenge to a point that we deny ourselves of that power to do just that? Here is where I respond with my own self-reflection on giving forgiveness.
- Betrayal. That ditch, as I refer to in my video or here, that pit someone throws you in. That pit you didn’t know had existed. Or worse, that pit you looked at, not thinking those around you ever had any intentions of throwing you in it. I can’t imagine how Joseph felt, his thoughts, as he found himself in that pit his brothers put him in. They left him for dead, without even once an offer of food or water to drink mentioned. How does one just let that go? That betrayal that one must face as they not only see themselves in the situation they have found themselves in, but must come to terms of those who placed them there? All those thoughts, all those faces, had to have gone through Joseph’s mind all that time he found himself waiting for what was to become of him next.
- Deceit. Sold for profit. I should think of this as “souled for profit” because I think, when others do you wrong, they not only put you in that pit, but you feel that they are toying with your soul to profit their own desires and wants. Whether it be their own glory or moments of grandeur, there is this feeling inside of you that rather than taking the time to even consider your feelings-your feelings was the target of attack to hurt and destroy. Their actions siphoned your air, hoping to strip you off of anything that would make you feel superior over them. Wanting to reap the rewards of having rid of your light, they imagined to grasp whatever limelight they felt they got from your soul. Not only was Joseph deceived, but unknowingly, so was his father and implicitly, his youngest brother, Benjamin.
- Denial. Lied to by those you love or trusted and yet, will deny to all they have done you no wrong. This, of all else, is the forgiveness hardest to give. It is baffling, air-constricting, heart-wrenching, to discover or watch those who walk around feeling high and mighty, posing as if to have done heroic deeds and yet, clearly not having come to terms that from their darkness, they only attempted to have stripped you of your light. You watch in silence as the truth prevails, hoping those who have wronged you will recompense for their souls, not yours. And yet, you are the only one who has faced the truth of their denial. Quietly, you move forward as those in denial stay stuck. Stuck in their defeat of lies as they watch you move on with more victories. Still, inside, you hurt for their wronging. You want to shake each of them, look them in the eye and utter, “How could you!”, but faith keeps you believing all happen in the way it must.
- Hurt. If I were to be that fly on the wall, I would have been the first fly to have tears in my eyes hearing Jacob weep for his long, lost son. To further speak of such, in my own experience, what hurts even deeper is to be told that those you love no longer care to have you around or that they have left you, having no plans, intent, or possibility to return. This, to me, is far worse than death. You see, with death there is closure. You know you must move on. There is healing to take place. I believe Jacob, seeing the vivid coat smeared with blood gave him the permission to grieve and let go. At least with Jacob, he was deceived to believe Joseph was truly gone. He was given a must for closure. However, with those love ones who have been convinced there is no more need for you or vice versa, far from the deepest truth, that pain is just like a death, but gets reincarnated over and over again each time you see or hear of your love ones around, just no longer with you.
I love the remarkable closure of Joseph’s story. There was evident forgiveness. Joseph not only got to see his youngest brother, Benjamin, again, but also his beloved father, Jacob. The most dignified part of this story is how Joseph was able to find and then, express, his understanding that if his brothers had not wronged him, he would not have been able to be in the position to help his family in their greatest time of need.
What if Joseph’s fate had been different? Would he have given forgiveness?
Joseph was physically pulled out of the pit. Indeed. Let us remember, however, he was sold into slavery, framed, and imprisoned for several years to follow. At what point does our own bitterness from betrayal, deceit, and other’s denial that they have ever wronged us actually have to punish our own heart, mind, body, and spirit? How long do we cause ourselves to suffer for others mistakes? Why?
Things happen for a reason. Joseph could have given up within any stages of his trials and tribulations. He found himself overseer of all Egypt’s provisions. Not overnight. Not after weeks. Only after years. And in the end, although he clearly battled with understandable bitterness, forgiveness he gave to each of his brothers.
Forgive for your sake. Not for those who have wronged you or have attempted to take you down. Seeing yourself through the hurt, the betrayal, the madness is seeing yourself get out of any pit someone tried and perhaps, momentarily succeeded in doing. It will take a lot to humble those choosing to walk blind and deaf for their eyes are open, but they choose to not see; ears in full decibels, but refuse to hear. This is not your battle to fight, however. Those who have wronged you must fight against their own fate. While you reap what you have sown, so shall those who have wronged you. They, too, reap what they have sown.
While physically you may have gotten out of that pit, be certain that you have also pulled your heart, mind, and spirit out of that pit. That darkness you found yourself in was never yours. Your light has many more victorious days to shine upon. Brush the dirt off and keep walking, stronger, wiser, better than ever before.
You will be an overseer of greater things to arrive. Just have faith in the process. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.
