The news of Bill and Melinda Gates separating didn’t make me go digging into their life because of the hopes to find drama and entertainment. Contrarily, I found myself sadly trying to find answers as to their reason. I read the first few articles shortly released around the time of their announcement that they were to end their marriage. Anything to follow will just get juicier as the world will try to paint over almost three decades of a powerful matrimony to sound more like fried macaroni… good while it lasted, but deemed to have obviously been unhealthy and to add, perishable. Only tabloids and the media make it a business to cut up worms emerging from a can to multiply more worms. That’s my philosophical science throw-in, by the way. Though not spelled out, “irreconcilable differences” is what I satiated my understanding upon the Gateses separation. This, in other words, means to me, “we tried, but we just couldn’t find a way to make it work anymore.”
After 27 years, the counting is coming to a stop. I am reminded of Prince Charles and Princess Diane for some reason. I just think, another powerhouse browned out.
As an educator, I’m familiar with marriages coming to an end. I have had parents attend conferences together only to hear from their child sometime later that their parents have since separated and are no longer together. It becomes clear to me that as children grow to become more independent, the family somewhat held collectively as a unit no longer need to be in such an arrangement. It’s as if parents are held together with the sole purpose to raise their children together and when that purpose comes to an end, with no back-up plan, parents don’t know what to do with…well, each other.
In an editorial by Psychologist, John Duffy, “The ‘gray divorce’ trend: As the Gates split shows, more older couples are getting divorced. Here’s why:”, as stated, this late in years of marriage divorce is referred to as the “gray divorce”. Interestingly, reasons for both men and women differ. While “men are more likely to end a marriage in middle age to either pursue another relationship or engage more fully in a relationship they are involved in already”, women, on the other hand, according to Duffy’s report, are “often looking to change their lives” who “still feel quite young in their 50s and 60s and that their husbands seem older and less energetic”. Women tend “to be the spouses seeking new careers, new adventures and new opportunities. They may start a business or get in shape, or move to another part of the world”.
I arrive to gather both agreeing to the realization that the other has gotten older. It’s like that punch below the belt subliminal message. However, while one is maybe wanting to leave to start anew with someone else, the other is not wanting to do “that” again, but rather focus on time left to pursue everything that had been shifted to the side within the years of marriage and parenthood. Interesting.
My husband and I are going into a third decade of our marriage. We found ourselves finding some light in the Gateses’ separation by quietly celebrating we had surpassed 27 years of togetherness. Yet again, what’s a year or two? Marriage is an everyday checking in, and in again. There is no out until one says so with a divorce decree. Even such filing procedure can take time while both parties figure what “out” really means to what becomes then, opposing parties with the hope to spare the ugly battles of who will get to have whatever was invested when both were “in”. While there are more points to collectively consider in the editorial, my thoughts on Duffy’s report?
I understand. Spiritually, no. But, respectfully, yes.
That would be about the time I drop the mic with no further comment. However, for the sake of providing some light to those newly married, I can only speak on behalf of women like me who married young and have only devoted herself to one man and her children from the moment of holy matrimony. Any man or woman who has been married for a long time and have arrived at the humbling parts of their years where one moment all is “absolutely perfect” before the next moment you hear yourself say, “what just happened?” can relate and thus, understand. There should be no judgment there. Marriage is challenging; making it is the ultimate challenge.
Our five children range from age 27 down to 7. And yes, we can admit without hesitation that my husband and I have run into our own bumps, molehills, and at times, mountains. When you have to work out each other’s differences with the ultimate attempts to have unconditional love for one another and you throw in not just one, two, three, four, but five children in the mix where, by the way, each of whom you have committed to raise to their best potential, challenges do and have arisen in many occasions. And, yes. I have looked at my husband lately to now see a more mature face, speckles of white hair and all. Call me crazy, call my husband crazy, but luckily for us, we have thrived from our changes and challenges. This maybe due to marriages coming to an end close to our circle having allowed us to reflect on ours from one decade to another. We have seen marriages not last a year to being witnesses to the “gray divorces” spoken of now. When you are witnesses to such ends, you have only one thought in mind, “Oh, we’re good.”
Although we say to each other that we are in this marriage to the end, respectfully again, I’d like to think that so did the Gateses. A relative of mine once reminded me that her parents had gotten divorced at marriage year 29. My husband and I are listening to such remarks while continuing to watch and reflect upon marriages all around us. What we have best learned to do and seemingly is our best antidote to ever “tapping out” is to use the strength of those marriages who have made it just about or past their golden years of marriage. From what I see of the difference between those who have made it to “death do us part” versus the “over my dead body” so to speak counters, honestly? Enduring tolerance.
When a powerhouse such as the Gateses or the Bezoses just several years ago “brown out” as I call it, in reference to energy, I would like to think it’s nobody’s business why. Would we have wanted such relationships to last? Of course. Just like all relationships who started, we would want all to have finished. However, a brown out just leads to a complete blackout if all of what is left of energy is completely lost. I would like to believe that there is still a lot of energy of both the Gateses and while eventually no longer a powerhouse together, I’m sure great contemplation arrived to the decision that each will best recharge to continue making this world better for those within their realm to still impact.
As for me making it beyond year 29? I personally am going for the forever thing. Does my husband plan on doing the same? So he says. Will he ever leave me? I’ve never feared that uncontrollable possibility. I can only focus on what I can control on my end. This is where Yota and Newton meet in my life. I focus on my positive force of energy to balance or counter anything coming from the other side. F = ma.
