In looking back, there is not one part I’d like to go back to do over again.
That’s just me.
A memory is just that- one to remember, but not try and do over.
Why?
I believe we can only learn from our reflective thoughts but never be able to do over things exactly as we’d like it to happen.
A regret is a perspective. The 2002 movie, Time Machine, reinforced this understanding I felt I already had.
Every moment is a walk through, not a stay. Every given molecularly, broken down moment.
I recently took another endorsement test.
I received a psychology endorsement back during my undergraduate completion but upon coming across the findings that I could now just study for a subject, test for it, and when passed, get that endorsement, I was, like, Finally. This was made for me!
Otherwise, in the past, which I believe deters and discourages people from ever taking the step, was, I would have to take more courses out of my time to complete such requirement.
I truly enjoy learning. I truly enjoy time as well. Time, however, with our youngest two now in their pre-teens, cannot be squandered with focus on any other direction than theirs right now.
Taking a comprehensive test to assess all my subject knowledge and competence without great cost of time is what I exactly need to stay on path as a mother, teacher, and wife at this part in my life.
A perfect plan to condense what would have been quarters, semesters, and eventually, years, to complete all major subject matters I’ve taught and now, have the opening opportunity to endorse myself each in.
I started with mathematics, the middle years, specifically. I thought, 150 questions within five hours- thirty questions per hour, 2 minutes per question. The score required to pass suggested they weren’t expecting anyone to get all right. This should be no big deal.
In addition to the endorsement test cost, I could pay for some practice tests.
That’s just not how my heart, mind, body, and spirit work.
I could spend time and money on those options OR I could go directly to scheduling for the test and gamble on how I would fare, saving time and money in the process of chance.
Attitude meets aptitude.
So, I immediately (like, the moment I came to discover this opportunity) scheduled for the closest and soonest test location I could find. I elected to complete what I already knew would be a day to evening event. Had there been one I could have gone to sooner, I would have scheduled for it.
Excited for this challenge now running in my head, I fancied myself over to the free examples they had following my registration. Not bad. I’d have to let some sit and percolate in my head as I try and think (how the heck!) to problem solve the not-so-every day questions.
You must remember, having attended six different elementary, two junior, and, finally, one high school, just like I truthfully knew nothing about SAT tests to get into college yet alone, scholarships, to apply for, to add, HOW to get into college, I worked my way through problems without knowing eventually, there were formulas and offered programs.
I realize now, my life of understanding how to cook, clean, and interact with people had all to do with observing.
As Mama’s voice continues to live in me, “You watch.”, I have learned this way since.
When no visual examples are to be found, however, hear, smell, taste, and touch become the back-ups. When those aren’t able to help, well, the sixth sense kicks in- the id, ego, and superego all working together in survival mode without anyone knowing.
When you get pretty used to this tactic, you never are surprised to see it automatically kick in at given moments. This trifecta, I will refer to as, is phenomenal to activate. If fear even minutely tried to enter through the doorway of emotions, it completely got kicked out or set to the corner to watch Id, Ego, and Superego go to work.
My husband and our two youngest would be driving with another dad and his boys to a wrestling event overnight and would not get back until late, the following evening.
Perfect.
I took this opportunity (silently relaxing, breathing, and then, letting go of any worries that they would be driving over the snowy mountain pass) to switch into mindset that they would have so much more fun without a woman in the vehicle as well as now, having another person driving other than my husband who has had much experience driving on snow.
I could take the test the following day of their return, giving them time to relax and resettle.
The scheduled test would thus, take place not even two weeks away.
I was satisfied with the examples given following my registration as I knew, although some were meant to challenge the mind, all questions in this upcoming test were multiple-choice.
I’ve lived on intuition so, why stop now.
No additional practices- just sound heart, mind, body, and spirit that I would do just fine.
I shared my husband my plan and how quickly I had set the appointment to test.
“That’s good, babe!” He cheered.
And, then, as I suppose was the right question to ask, “Are there practice tests to study?”
I gave him an answer he showed no surprise to have me respond after over thirty years of knowing (how I do) me, “Yeah, but I’m thinking to take my chances.”
In support of me and my confidence, he exclaims, “That’s why I married you! You can do that!”
Reinforcement to not study made my brain grow as if on a time lapsed scene in my head, a bud getting bigger before blooming into a beautiful blossom.
With the hustle and bustle of teaching, mothering, and wifing (again, not internet wi-fiing but doing that loving wife part), the, what I had hyped myself to perceive as, test day (and evening) was only less than 48 hours away.
Before I could even think otherwise, my husband and two youngest boys were off to another wrestling competition event and I was left to find myself home alone.
A perfect time to study numbers mixed with letters, graphs, and symbols?
A slither of a moment of uncertainty come knocking on my nerves before, as if on cue, the three arrive.
Id. Ego. Superego.
Alone (whether truly alone or in a roomful of people- doesn’t matter), to blur out any fear or intimidation of being by myself, Id, Ego, and Superego took over the steering wheel. Superego, of course, driving, hardly listening to Ego, while definitely both ignoring Id.
I embraced the rare opportunity to date myself- bought me a latte and egg wrap for dinner as I drove to the gym, prepared with my gym bag to Party Like It’s 1999 in my evening Zumba class to then, finish off in the sauna before a nice, and refreshing, evening shower.
Comforted by my husband’s FaceTime call along with the greetings of our boys busily engaged in movie binging while dually immersed in their electronics (how I already visualized) on their own bed, I found myself only remembering to exchange the words “Goodnight” and “Sweet dreams” and “I love you” before quickly dozing off to sleep that night without them.
The plan for my husband and youngest boys to arrive in the late evening had my head excited to find quiet time to read and paint without interruption before getting myself a latte and wrap once more as I headed toward my favorite treasure hunt location, the Goodwill Outlet (the one place I could never drag my husband into, yet alone, spend a few hours to dig out of bins with gloves and a mask on), where I then happily picked up baked goods and to-go Dim Sum to present as a surprise for my husband and boys upon their return.
In frequent communication with my husband as the boys competed throughout the day and evening, I learned they would be arriving a few hours later into the night.
I laid out all their yummy foods on the table as I took to paint a little more before taking advantage of staying in bed to read (Okay. I also played a game on my phone, too.).
While seemingly on pause and at rest throughout the day, Superego, Ego, and Id were now back to keep me in full company as I embraced the quiet and stillness of the home while sitting up in bed to read (and, play a game on my phone.)
I followed communication with my husband as to their distance from home before dozing off to only wake up again upon their arrival.
Hearing the boys’ awes of what I knew was due to all the goodies I had on the table, sluggish at first but compelled to go down to greet all three, I did just that.
They were wide awake. All three of them, for over the next hour. I dared not look at the time.
My test was scheduled for 12 pm the next day, surely just short of about an hour to call it today.
Superego, Ego, and Id in full effect to wake me at 8 am where I immediately, without deterrence, went to another room to get on my manual stepper with elastics to get me started on the right path for my test.
That suggestion that you have to sweat out a cold extends in my mind to getting ready for any cold feet.
My feet were warm and cozy following my shower and dressing just before I hugged and kissed hubby and boys as I headed out for the thirty-minute navigated drive to my testing location.
In full peace with a familiar excitement whenever I head to a challenge, I listened to piano music I newly got from the Goodwill Outlet as I drove and then, parked at my appointed destination.
Having done a similar test like this one (just not as long), aware and having read testing protocols, I secured my wallet, reading book, and coat following identification clearance and final signed agreement form.
I took it as good news that they were able to start me right away as I had arrived thirty minutes earlier.
So, with a cup of water outside the testing room, cleared of anything on me, handed a dry erase marker with a small whiteboard, I entered the testing zone.
Superego, Ego, and Id went into instant activation mode, suggesting mixed emotions with the foremost composed by the other two of the found testing environment.
Upon entry, another walked to and fro while one heavily typed on their keyboard.
Breathe. Relax. Let go.
As I sat down to begin, the man to my right was uttering under his breath discontent for the questions he was answering. I deeply sensed we were all completing different tests as I gathered from the typing, personalities, and behaviors.
Still, I recall such testing environment highly tightened with no noise and just quiet shifting at each seat.
There were several in charge at that last test I recalled years ago. Only one was running the front desk and all of those testing at the same time at this location.
Not in your control.
Relax. Breathe. Let go.
Ego spoke for the first time that day, “Good rest and sleep may be a factor here.” Id stayed silent as I answered the first question out of 150. 149 more to go. Wait. Let’s flag this first one just in case.
Just as soon as I did that and felt myself yawn, I felt Id move- a subtle but telling move. Ego said nothing else as Superego stoically stood by us all.
Having started us at different times, the pacer had (thankfully) left at the brink of the first hour, the discontent man to my right about two hours later.
A, B, C, D. I left myself thirty minutes, four hours and thirty minutes later, to go back and review my flagged answers.
I already knew this was unlike me. You go with your first instinct. The second and third are, most likely more wrong than the first.
A, B, C, D. Nonetheless, I chose whichever entered my mind between my ignored, unhelpful yawns.
Yes, Ego. Good sleep and rest would have helped some.
Superego must have been thinking this but remained in good, silent posture. Id remained seated, looking straight ahead, with fingers softly intertwined on the lap.
Times up. Clearance to leave. It’s now dark out. A call home to acknowledge my now, hungry stomach.
Did my husband have something made for dinner although it was the weekend and would have been usually my turn? We must have stepped out to eat. I can’t recall. All I knew was I ate, slept, and awoke to make breakfast before teaching the next day.
When a student asked how was my weekend, my simple answer was, “Nothing much. And, you?”
These are students who balk at a three-question math quiz. LOL. Some things, you just have to journey yourself to understand.
My received score about two weeks later?
I half-heartedly chuckled while the rest of me did a little disappointing stomp.
I was just several points from passing.
Id? Calmed to a state of indifference.
Ego? “We should have rested well and most importantly, done some practice tests.”
Superego? “That was the practice test.”
Anne Salve? Signed up for another testing day.
