When it came to those around me, following my teenage years of privileging myself to anything and everything by those of my peers allowing me, I came back to the joy of giving more than taking.
Funny how training days of your life create an equilibrium of the eventual just the right you.
While I have come to learn and observe, taking too much leads to greed and ingratitude while giving takes one to lack of self and at times, the needs of the self due to giving too much away.
The challenge in life are trials and tribulations to test just how much you are willing to give while maintaining ground to not take from others what should rightfully be theirs instead.
It is this one assessment I have taken countless times in my living years. The less I gave of myself, I see now, the more of myself I got to hold onto.
The problem became, it evidently seemed, was that the more I saw those around me lacking, the more I thought my duty to give.
The problem that followed, I am thankful to have gone through, was that those I gave to were stuck where I was in my teenage years, privileging themselves to what I was willing to give them, not taking into account, perhaps, I was becoming depleted in the process each time.
As a joyful giver, somehow you find ways to replenish oneself of having more to give.
So your heart, mind, body, and spirit think.
The eventual question felt became, Will those around you ever stop taking to a time where they realize your giving has finally become sufficient?
Funny thing is, it seemed how much you gave today was always compared to how much more you gave yesterday.
The replenishment of your resources to give seemed less and less each day, interestingly to take note, no matter how much more blessings you received to share.
Then, there was the balance of, at times, the taking.
I do not feel to suggest here, the less who gave, had, as I am one to give something in return.
The joy in giving is not in the expectation of having something to take.
I suggest, more importantly, it will be the concerning realization to a becoming of an unwanted mess of such character, should I abysmally hunger to keep wanting to take.
Insatiable, one becomes. The hustler mindset where since dignity is already lost, the idea of ongoing taking might as well be the objective every time.
Perhaps it should be the respectful mindset that those who’ve sown should rightfully be those to reap in time of harvest.
Some of us mindfully ignore or decisively forget this for one’s justified needs.
Whereas we may have been at purest in our youth of innocence, to solidify our character requires the building of walls to protect what is good within us.
Walls, we build.
It may just happen, at times, we aren’t so careful to choose the right wood, stone, or brick.
What have our walls become?
You can feel the questionable choices and decisions from within.
The world, who sees us from the outside in, constantly suggests for change or modifications.
We must listen, see, smell, taste, and feel carefully so that our moral compass does not become confused.
In the light, aware of darkness around, you begin to master understanding of truth, at least closer than you ever have before.
One understanding I’ve happily instilled in me to grasp is that, giving doesn’t have to be tangible.
As Mother Teresa, one of only two historical figures I completed a report on in high school (the other, Al Capone- a balance in me I suppose I subconsciously always had) was remembered to say, “Smile. It’s catchy.”
I have found joy in giving of me goodness around if at the least, a smile. Then, come to subsequent discovery, this offering also can be met with assessment.
A simple smile can so very well be gravely misunderstood.
Around, eyes expressing suspicion of your intentions meet yours to where you are at a quick second to find yourself confused until it hits you that your gestures aren’t felt to be genuinely good.
At interesting times, there are those who have presumptuously disliked you for your good. Of course, a most mistaken reading, what I believe to be worst of all, thinking your motives to be of a Jezebel.
Hence, there exists those, perhaps due to their own journey of training, see you as one who is out to gain something for every give, even with just a simple smile.
As years progress to more training days of becoming, there is this experience within chapters of one’s life where you arrive to understand and thus, forgive, as to why people look at you and think your kindness comes with ulterior motives.
Contrarily, here, is that when around vulnerability, those still clinging to the innocence and mindset of a child, people welcome reciprocation of giving and taking with immense gratitude.
Whether in heart, mind, body, or spirit involved, the giving is pure. Blissful.
In this beautiful rarity, the giving and taking takes place with more giving than ever taking.
The joy given to be gained by another is the fruits of one’s labor to love thy neighbor- all bowls of those within such circle, overflowing.
In such a circle, everyone works diligently to arrive at an abundance beyond the need for oneself. No panhandlers to be found for those twenty and above stood ground to each protect, provide, and thus, support.
When hurt, stained, bruised, or cut by those who have taken one’s kindness for granted, however, understandable growth of suspicion of all and everyone’s intent, thereafter, can be accepted.
I get this now having wished I hadn’t experienced the reasons why.
Vulnerability is peaceful, beautiful, and sound all at once.
Break that vulnerability over and over again to where the damage can no longer be restored, the eyes of one changes.
The message of distrustfulness from one scorned can be felt if not heard or seen.
If only the world would allow such gentility in each of us to continue from the times of us milking- the time back to the innocence, as Papa used to say, with still milk on your tongue, I would think more genuine laughter and even tears, but rather temporary and benign, be heard and seen, shared with compassion and understanding around us.
This is why sometimes perhaps I find myself shunning from the world- any gestures of good met with scorn or suspicion need not be welcomed by the heart, mind, body, and spirit.
Your goodness given, quickly returned with distaste, dislike, and distrust.
Such encounters do something to you.
It makes you question the very you trying your best to become.
That innocence of a child you want to hold onto, never wanting to lose; that one who embraces goodness, from within and all around- it’s as if you are scolded, leaving you hurt and scarred, wondering what you did to cause such a confusing response.
With my golden years approaching, I must care not to waste time for the trivial any longer. I must care not to have you try and figure me and my intentions out. I must care not to have enter concern in my heart, my mind, and my spirit what my body should do next to convince you that I and my intentions are indeed, good.
Difficult at first to remind oneself when looking into the eyes of another, I am good not for you, but simply that, I am.
Look at those in their latest years and you may quickly find one whose frown has lost thought or care to turn upside down.
How does one get there? That look? That face of surrender to defeat? That look as if instead of walking away from incoming trampling, they instead, seemingly laid on the ground and waited for others to just walk over them?
Such a countenance long fallen.
Leave a room just as good or better.
Is that not a message still standing to keep empowering us all?
How have you left each room you’ve entered?
When the world begins to fill itself with those testing to see just how long goodness in each of us will remain unchanged, a wreckage of our becoming, here and there, when not careful, proliferates to sometimes, destruction.
We all entitle ourselves to feel some kind of way, a euphemistic phrase I use to cover up our inexplicable ups and downs.
What makes us feel this kind of way becomes that battle within, whether breached by those outside our walls or our own misguidedness of our becoming.
We must, thus, be the ambassadors of our goodness at all times.
I learned in my past studies that one unsupervised versus one with supervision will tend to be less productive or accountable of expectations.
Test this if you haven’t already.
As a mother and teacher, I have come to understand that limiting a child’s electronics time so that they may go out and play or create, makes for a child to expand on more brain time beyond somewhat becoming comatose to unwarranted screen time.
A student who has a problem to solve must have a measurable accountability given or the power of social interaction takes over.
Every child must be taught to eventually become autonomous in monitoring one’s growth and productivity.
Why should this stop thereafter?
The infamous ask of a student receiving work to do can be tirelessly heard from time to time, “Will this be graded?”
You can’t blame or be angry for a student asking such a question, no matter how much you care to not hear it again.
After all, motivation and motive to be otherwise depends on not just the what and how, but why.
The listening, seeing, smelling, tasting, and feeling selectively chooses to channel each energy toward drawn liking.
Freedom allows us such will.
It is this same freedom that must not die in each of us as we fight battles to our own becoming.
Thus, I have absolved myself from overacting to any efforts of one trying to surprise me with words.
(Teaching middle school and raising teenagers gives you such great training for this.)
Being able to handle differing mindsets to various mood swings is exactly what one needs to strengthen one’s willpower to just- Relax. Breathe. Let go.
All of us, each of us, must stay on course.
We each have a victory to attain.
As I’ve openly joked, I wouldn’t want my headstone to read, “She tried.”
I would rather hope it read, “She finished her race and finished well.”
I am just short of months to living almost half a century now and so, grace myself to suggest that there are just those who will always test your becoming.
See them as your supervisors on the outside of your walls just checking your productivity as the most important is the ambassador within you.
To answer those who should question if a given work received is to be graded, I will calmly put my teaching voice on to answer, “No. This will just be practice to empower you to get better if you so choose.”
Nine times out of ten, one will choose to complete the practice before them. So far, I’m one of those nine (nine times out of ten).
That one need not raise their hand. They’re too busy looking around, holding everyone under suspicion as to why anyone would even dare try to be what, again?
Better.
