Life is a journey. I have had many stepping stones in various shapes and sizes. Nonetheless, some were skipped, hopped, walked onto, or, run past through.
The interesting part of life is, each step ahead weren’t always solely awaiting; directions of several stones to choose from paved several pathways, leaving one to sometimes wonder how each step taken will fare in the end or even to the next.
And, then, there is this smile from within. You arrive to think, Relax. Breathe. Let go.
When you’ve hit walls, you wisen up after awhile to realize they can be broken, climbed over, swum or dug under, or simply, walked around.
Whether you’ve traveled in heart, mind, body, or spirit, the goal for me, personally, is to not have to think where next.
The thought process shall fully arrive to embrace, Thy will be done.
While it can be a wonder of what tomorrow will be, the exhalation, the breath of fresh air is, knowing where I’ve been.
I do not see myself stopping. That is not a planned destiny. At least not for me.
When I state not having to think ‘Where next?’, I mean that place where here and now, each moment of my life, is utter serenity, not just what awaits for me to venture.
Getting to that place where there is no concern for tomorrow, fearlessly smiling upon any step ahead, whether seemingly treacherous or blessedly delightful, I will be smiling upon it all.
For me, I realize this has been difficult at times when having children; I wasn’t just carrying myself. And although my husband, no doubt, led diligently with me learning to unconditionally trust his steps we were taking forward and ahead for our family, I couldn’t help but worry.
I was that mother afraid that if my children were to run into my past travels, they would not make it through unscathed.
On the outside, I did all to be their strength, not weakness.
On the inside, I silently quivered, lying sleepless at nights sometimes, quietly staring at each with worry, at other times.
When you have learned to overcome fear, each time, there is this knowing that your shields and walls have only gotten thicker, fortified furthermore from within.
The eventual aftereffect may just be, you begin to guard any openings out.
Each stepping stone moved onto is weighted by walls around.
And, then, your first moment of letting go is coming to the realization you must let each child learn to take their own steps.
It was my fears that ruled me for so long. It was my fears I could not allow to rule over my children. They were my fears to overcome, not theirs.
Still, on the outside, I held stance to grasp control what I could, utilizing free will to push further and through.
With dislike of having been taught to fear through eyes and ears, I was subconsciously determined to change course for my children and their children’s sake.
When looking one step or two ahead, there were leaps, at times, where moments were a blur to me.
With every instantaneous decision to put things off to prioritize what was most important, our children and their future, there is thus acceptance, this willing surrender to forget everything else.
You just go and keep going at times.
You forget the bookmark that had been given you, “Don’t forget to smell the flowers.” at the time you had come to finish one of your earliest milestones, which for me, was receiving my BA in Psychology with a Teacher’s Certificate within four years.
Twenty-two was my age. I didn’t care to see how anyone else was doing. I know now I was racing against myself, seeing my reflection always seemingly running ahead of me.
There will be that time that, yes. I will still be moving forward, but only to create avenues for generations to follow as I will no longer need to for myself.
I will have arrived to moments where I, too, can look at my steps and cherish my surroundings.
I will arrive to stop and indeed, smell the flowers around me.
I’m getting there.
I know this because for the first time in my life, the focus is on my moments, the part where I can decisively navigate what I am given to control.
Fear is slowly going away, being replaced gradually with a simple deep breath and exhalation- sometimes, a laugh.
My fears weren’t accompanied by the thought of having no free will.
On the contrary, it was having too much free will that left me many times fearing no control or clear direction.
That free will to just be, needed guidance, truly. Direction, along with much needed steady control, was necessary for my betterment of self-growth and assurance that I would arrive to worthwhile destinies.
I am thankful to come to clarity with this now.
While many may rightfully disagree, it is essential to lose the stubbornness of having so much free will if one is to reach destinies.
While my heart and spirit remain free, my mind and body have needed guided pursuit of destinations, one arrival to the next.
Through my own reflective journey, I have come to observe that when freedom is taken for granted, with hardly any or no restrictions, the result is abuse of time.
An infant must rely on the management and nurturance of the caretaker to healthily and safely grow.
A young child must know boundaries for their own safety and development.
A young adult must have limitations to determine what is worth their life and dignity pushing out of and into.
Then, there is the adult life (which I’m convinced I’m just arriving to although my soul seems utterly ancient!).
Those who can look back in your twenties, how much of you have remained? How much, let go? And, have you changed since for the better?
Those looking back into their thirties, have you continued to grow and improve since those times?
Those looking back in your forties, would you say you knew everything by then?
Those beyond those years and now, looking collectively back, what have you concluded? Have you concluded much or anything at all?
Have you come to understand the reason for fine wine to increase in worth as the years go by while other libations by chance, grows with inflation, not to the worth of its preserved seasons and years?
There is care in years of control and direction, not free happenstance.
I now am grateful for my Papa’s lectures.
I surely wasn’t then.
In fact, he should have kept going.
The times he let up, the more vulnerable I realize I had become.
It was as if those around knew when to try and misdirect me within the environment or position I placed myself in when having no sense of control or direction.
What is it when, built a fortress around, in our young innocence, we defiantly become curious to see ourselves battle for victories we didn’t even need to fight?
While we resist to believe we need any sense of control or direction, it is within great comfort to realize now, controlled direction was the very thing I needed to grow and grow well.
My husband had a thing or two to deal with me in trying to have some control to direct me.
He had his reasons.
Trying to mould me into the look of a mother he had always envisioned, connected to his own background of reasoning.
He, too, couldn’t wait to finally play house with me.
Both of us were thrusting ourselves forward, determined to not fall back.
The only thing was, rules and boundaries prior to playing house together, had not been discussed.
Thus, cooperation on both ends weren’t coinciding at all times.
It wasn’t that my husband tried to change the very me.
I was still Barbie (the somewhat brown version) in the house.
Just like getting to choose from a wardrobe selection, he would make suggestions as to what clothing for me to wear- the thematically acceptable look, perhaps.
Always having the love for getting me things, it was in our first few years, he thought to buy me very conservative clothes and shoes.
With each of us fighting to overcome our own subconscious fears, his hunger for control in life all of a sudden included me in that plan.
I was not even twenty when we had our first child.
I had my own plans for freedom to control and direct.
Dressing a certain way hardly suggested validity as an adult for me.
The way I saw it, I had inadvertently gained my own sense of style.
Becoming an official adult only reinforced further my very right to dress as I felt to.
While I truly believe I have won this battle after over thirty years of building my husband’s trust that my actions and mannerisms speak louder than how I feel to clothe me, I have developed so much gratitude and value for his desire to help navigate me in the most honorable direction.
My husband was planting a seed of what he was hoping I would presentably become as his wife and mother to his children.
There was and still is nothing wrong in that desire.
I’d like to think it was in his persistence as to why I remained focused and thus, steered clear.
I see now, anyone who will not stop to try and help you become the best of you truly loves and sincerely cares for you.
All I envisioned to need was to be a mother and wife.
I hadn’t realized my growth would be so much more when truly understanding the encompassing parts to each of those roles.
An author, teacher, and most recently, owning my very first patent, to say the least, were not destinations arrived to without some sense of control and direction.
In fact, control and direction had much to do with my very actions to achieve each milestone.
Not everyone has the capacity to push you to your greatest potential.
Not all possess control and direction to give.
When will is free, many enticed, keep taking it. Like intaking a lotus potent, control and direction is thus, neglected or forgotten.
It is only when one can look back and see how much further they’ve traveled under controlled direction where all of a sudden, one can be grateful, whatever cost of free will was at first given up.
Destined to fulfill the masterpiece we were from birth, it is important to hold onto every piece given us to keep together before we each are hardened.
While some parts may have been let go, we can only hope alterations, replacements, or additions will have only created the most smoothened, polished completion of each of us.
Time is a gift.
Should free will be the reason for any loss?
Too soon. Too late.
Too much. Too little.
Wrong place. Wrong time.
How much do we dare gamble until the ache for control and direction becomes a must?
You can only positively presume those around us hope for the best of you in the end or at least within each step.
And, yet, again, what if they don’t?
Is anyone responsible for failing us?
Communication of hearts, minds, bodies, and spirits may hardly coincide- a needed understanding as to not find fault in sensed error.
It is what is within needing navigation that is responsible for seeking control and direction.
All want to feel accomplished in their efforts. Still, we must embrace that there sometimes is just no knowing how.
It is in the coming to terms that we can thus, practice our free will to choose wisely for control and direction that could help navigate us to our best destines.
There should be no spite in giving control or taking control and direction just as long as we are careful to ask ourselves first of the intentions of our help, for there are the captains and those who think to lead, but have no sense of control or direction themselves.
To have someone to share one’s moments with, who is to be part of your abundant growth and healthy development, is a certainty of found fortune.
Sometime in life, however, we passively care to recognize who we freely give our time, efforts, and chance to.
Are we not each still working hard to master our uniquely set ways that speaks within as we venture to the end?
Can we not strive to eventually lead the way for others?
The stepping stones toward having no conquest at all, but one.
Does this suggest there was never to be control or direction?
Perhaps free will has already arrived you to having no conquest at all.
Control and direction, on the other hand, offers an abundance of conquests to when there comes a time to pass the baton, many will be able and willing to follow your path.
Yes?
